20 THINGS TO CONSIDER FOR YOUR CHILD’S BEST INTERESTS IN SEPARATION OR DIVORCE

Raising your kids after divorce isn’t easy. You constantly worry about how the split will affect them in the long run — and let’s face it, interacting with your ex in the name of co-parenting isn’t always a walk in the park.

Still, if you strive to put your kids first, divorce can absolutely be an opportunity to be a better parent than you were before your marriage ended.

In recent years, the rates of divorce have been increasing rapidly. Studies have estimated that between 40 and 50 percent of all first marriages end in divorce and that number only increases with multiple marriages.

Going through divorce is hard on any individual but the stress rises when there are children involved. Divorce can cause significant pain to any child and unfortunately research has shown that as adults, children of divorce have double the risk of divorcing in their own marriages.

As parents, we want what’s best for our children and we want to shield them from pain but unfortunately the simple act of the divorce can take a tremendous toll on our child’s well-being. However, fortunately, there are certain things you can do, and be aware of as a parent, to minimize these negative experiences and help your child move through this time in both your lives in a healthy and positive way.

1. Be consistent in everything you do. Be dependable and reliable try to keep the rules simple and unwavering. (rules, schedule, family routines)
2. Remember this: Genetically, your kids are 50 percent your ex. Every negative thing you say about him or her, you’re saying about the kids, too. Children tend to take this very personally. If you don’t like my mom/dad then there is a part of me you must not like. Children (and even many teens) simply lack the psychological defenses adults have developed. They take things in and they don’t have the maturity to process these feelings in a healthy way.
3. Be honest with your kids in an age-appropriate way. They don’t need to know and cannot understand adult details. Yes you want your child to know what’s going on in the divorce and how things like scheduling will affect them. But keep things on a need-to-know basis.
4. Get a therapist for the kids during the divorce, not after. So many kids really benefit from having someone removed from the situation to talk to about their feelings.
5. Don’t make your child/children your new partner. Don’t co-sleep if you hadn’t been before the divorce. Don’t watch inappropriate movies, TV shows, or video games with your children, ratings are there for a reason. Furthermore, take care of yourself so that you can be there for them. Exercise, eat right, vent to a friend about your ex, and seek therapy if possible. Your child can know and respect that you’re feeling sad or angry but details don’t need to be shared as it puts the child in the position of confidante and makes them the adult. They need their parent to be the adult.
6. Allow your kids equal time with both parents. They deserve it. Your children are lucky both parents want to be involved and want to spend time with them. Loosing a parent can be damaging, no matter how much you really don’t want to “deal” with your ex. Your child didn’t get divorced.
7. Be empathetic about the grief they are experiencing. Encourage them to talk and don’t judge their feelings. Children are loosing their family, stability, what’s familiar, and everything is changing; they are going to have feelings of loss, confusion, sadness, and possibly anger.
8. Put their needs first, even before your own. Everything you do should be done in their best interest and nothing you do should be done without asking how your choices will affect them. If I do this…. How will it affect my child?
9. Try your hardest to co-parent. Be there for your ex so you two can support your kids as a team. It’s no longer about the adults so put any animosity aside and do what is in the best interest of your children. Arguing about doctor’s visits, summer plans, court hearings, etc., is not in your child’s best interest. If they see you model good communication and cooperation they too will learn how to do this.
10. Realize how futile it is to talk negatively about your ex sooner rather than later. The kids will determine the merits and misuses of each parent on their own. Children are smart and observe others behavior, they will see what is happening. Love your kids more than you hate your ex.
11. If you’re allowing the kids to choose whom they live with, visit, or spend holidays with, don’t make them feel guilty about their choice. Equally, if they have fun with one parent, don’t get mad at them for enjoying time with that parent.
12. Keep in mind: They’re the innocent victims in the situation. Treat them accordingly. The more you take your anger out on them, blame them, or don’t take care of your own emotions the more the kids are placed in a damaging situation.
13. Never use your kids as a weapon, a go-between or a spy against your ex. It is detrimental to them emotionally and psychologically to tell your child/children; “tell your dad I disagree”, “tell your mom that wasn’t the right choice”, “tell your dad I don’t care”, “tell your mom what happens over here is none of her business”. It is also detrimental to ask things like: “what did your mom drink”, “who did your dad date”, “what did they say about me”. And never talk negatively about the other parent near them or anywhere they can hear or see it (hint: Facebook, texting, social media). As custody issues come up and other changes to your lifestyle take effect, avoid the pitfalls of using the children as a bargaining chip or a way to hurt your ex. Often times, children used in this way grow into adults who want nothing to do with the parent who put them into those situations.
14. Don’t rescue your child. When you speak to your children allow them to express how they’re feeling. Too often as parents we want to rescue our child as soon as we feel they are hurting. However, you won’t necessarily be able to fix things your spouse is doing or the way your child is feeling. What you can do is validate your child’s feelings and let them know you’re there and understand what they’re going through. Spend time with them and respond using the following “It sounds like it kinda/sorta/maybe _____________(add here whatever emotion you think your child is feeling) when mom/dad did ______.” This will let your child know “Hey, mom/dad understands how I’m feeling and I don’t feel so alone in this.”
15. Don’t ignore your child’s messages whether verbal or physical. Children deal with divorce in many ways. Just because they might be doing fine in school and don’t cry doesn’t mean they’re okay inside. Be aware of changes in sleep, eating, meet with teachers and ask how the child is doing.
16. Don’t think a new spouse will replace your child’s parent. Sometimes people feel that this new relationship after the divorce will be another parent to your child. However, your child may not see it this way. No one can replace your child’s biological parent and they may see this new love interest as a “replacement” of mom or dad. Be gentle when introducing a new love interest and spend more alone time with your child so they don’t feel that this new individual is replacing the parent they still love.
17. Don’t rush the step-parent connection. Blended families can provide a lot of good support. But many kids rebel against being forced into a pseudo-parent relationship before they’re ready. The same can be said of stepsiblings. Don’t bring new partners into your child’s life too quickly. Although every situation is different, introducing a new love interest before a year has passed since the initial separation is often too difficult for the kids and they begin acting out. Tell your children how great they are, how much you love them and allow them to express in a healthy way. This will set the stage for a positive move into a next phase. Do not encourage the child to call potential stepparents Mom or Dad.
18. Show up, no matter what is going on with your ex. Be aware that children need time with each parent more than ever during a divorce and be there to spend time with them. Make sure your child still feels connected to you when she is with the other parent by staying in touch via phone, skype, email, texting.
19. Tell kids they can talk with the other parent whenever they want to. Make this easy for them. Your goal for the kids is stability and as much time with each parent as possible. Give them cell phones so they can have a relationship with each parent that isn’t mediated by the other. Blocking the other parents’ number, restricting days/times, not allowing communication because they are at your house is not healthy for children. They need to feel its okay to be able to communicate to either parent for whatever reason and at whatever time.
20. Always drop off — never pick up the child on “switch day.” It’s a good idea to avoid “taking” your child from the other parent so that you don’t risk interrupting or curtailing a special moment. Drop off your child at the other parent’s house instead. At switch time, do not honk your horn in front of the other parent’s house. However, don’t go in either — unless you are invited in. Always be on time for pick-up and drop-off and have the children ready to go.

Sources:

M. Gary Neuman (New York Times best-selling author, licensed psychotherapist) & Esther Neuman (holds a master’s degree in social work, is the co-creator of the Neuman Method, and speaks publicly on relationships and divorce issue), 2013.

The Huffington Post | By Brittany Wong, 2015

parenting.com, Dr. Laura Markham, 2015

Lina Guillen, Attorney, 2015

Co-Parenting Tips for Divorced Parents-Authors: Jocelyn Block, M.A. and Melinda Smith, M.A. Last updated: July 2015.